Product Placement Explained In 2 Words

Tooth Fairy

That’s the two word definition.

See the film, count the brand name products strewn around the set.

Stalking Monsanto’s Dr. Mengele

In the late 1980’s, I moved to the flatland state of Indiana!

In spite of common logic, and (as shown below) maps, this state is somehow said to be in what’s called the “Mid-West”. Looking back, I think that this move was an attempt to kill my career, which almost worked and was almost worth it.

Look closely, I’m the pixel that’s waving to you!

In retrospect, I guess that other than the fact that I didn’t speak the local language known as “sports” that all of the natives seem to speak like, well, natives, or did I have any knowledge of farm futures, I suppose that I could have lived there with a greatly reduced life style driven by my greatly reduced income.

The Twilight Zone aspect of Indiana living can be best described in one word, “Hoops”. I don’t recall ever seeing a gas station that didn’t have a basketball hoop outside the repair bay, nor a market that didn’t have one on the loading dock out back of the store. Eerie, Indiana indeed.

A heaping helping of Hoosier hospitality?

So the question at the time was, should I stay or should I go? A weak spot in any thought of staying with that scenario is that unless I could find a way to make it look like an accident, the predictable, inevitable and likely eventual demise of she who is now my ex-wife (# 2, should you be counting) might have caused me to spend my days residing in the Hoosier Hospitality Suite of the Graybar Hotel.

Hoosier Daddy Now, Bitch?

For the record (and for any law enforcement type officer who might reading this), as far as I know she’s still alive. I did come up with a, eh… let’s just call it a real killer idea of how to commit a perfect crime without leaving an evidence trail that could be tracked back to me the perp, but I’m saving that idea for a script that I’m working on.

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the writer.

Ah, but I’ve digressed from my reason for mentioning Indiana in the first place.

And by the way, fuck the Pacers, the Colts, and anyone named Bobby Knight…

While driving around central Indiana in my spare time, which was all that I had as there wasn’t much work to speak of for me, I noticed that many of the farms along any given road had little signs indicating what sort of corn seeds that they had planted there, identified with a serial number. I thought this to be a bit odd since the signs were far too small and way too low to the ground to be of much use as an advertising campaign.

During this time, I also learned that there were different kinds of corn; sweet corn, feed corn (also known as “cow corn”), canning corn, get the picture?

Well, it turns out that the fun loving folks at Monsanto had a hand or two in this mystery, as they have patented several varieties of corn that are resistant to their own inhouse weed killer that’s available in a lesser form as “Roundup” for home use. Just for kicks, google these words: monsanto + Roundup Ready + glyphosate and then think about the foods you eat that are down the, eh… food chain from that growth crop.

So what does all that simply mean? They have created a weedkiller that kills basically all vegetative matter except those that have been genetically altered (as in the corn mentioned above) so the grower doesn’t have to pick away weeds, they just use “Roundup Ready” and then everything on the field other than that special corn will meet a quick and tidy death.

And about the genetically modified stuff that remains inside the food eaten by the food (i.e. cattle) that we eat? I suppose it should be considered a good thing that we’re thought to be at the end of the food chain.

Of course, all of the above is merely my opinion and should be protected by my right to free speech as described in what was, and may still be called the “Constitution”, perhaps you’ve heard of it?

There’ve been some changes recently, so at least that’s true until some corporation, much like, for example, Monsanto donates big bucks to some political campaign and the politician who is the beneficiary of that donation decides “Well, enough of this liberal nonsense” and then closes down that loophole.

CES La(s) Ve(gas), Baby!

I had a dream job literally dropped into my hands, I got a call for employment that would pay me to work in Las Vegas. More specifically, it paid me to go to the Consumer Electronics Show!

That’s CES to you, plebes….

Then the reality hit me up, I had to stay at the, in my humble and law suit preventing opinion, worst hotel I’ve ever stayed at in when in Las Vegas, the “Monte Carlo”. That is to say, an over hyped very tall Motel-6 located on that always charming Flamingo Blvd.

The joy started on check in, where I was informed that yes, the company I was working for had pre-paid the room rate, but I had to kick in another $9.50 (actually $10.64 for the tax on a tax) for a “resort tax” that wasn’t mentioned to the uber efficient staff at the company I was working for. Note, this is a company that won’t be named here as I’d like to go on working for them. After all, they paid my way into CES.

Soon after arriving at my tight little 16th floor aerie, I found that my always wonderful powerbook wouldn’t log into the wi-fi choices that showed up. Calling room service, I found that they don’t offer wi-fi above the 14th floor, and further, they couldn’t promise that a move to a lower floor would get me the wireless I craved. I could, however, use the built in pull out CAT cable, except I’d have to pay them $14.95 a day for the honor.

So, I turned on their small, previous century vintage CRT tv, only to find that it boots directly into their directory for the porn channels selection. Considering that otherwise there were only a few crappy, local non-porn channels that I could choose from, it almost became a viable choice.

Remember my Motel-6 comparison shown above? Well, they give  you  internet access for free. And often, HBO or some other (+/-) non-porn channels as well.

It got worse after that, so I’m forced to fess up and say that I toughed it out, left my quarters, and hit the casino to rid myself of a surplus of my supply of pocket style quarters.

Oh yeah, CES was… eh…, interesting, and I scored some major league sort of bling. More on that to be added soon.

I Finally Set My T.V. Free

I made an interesting discovery this past holiday weekend, driven by the news of an impending shut down on Time Warner Cable of the Fox (which I never watch anyway) Network, and the idea that a similar action by most of the other channels is looming on the horizon.

I went to that proud bastion of Chinese capitalism we know as “Wal-Mart”, and bought a $14.00 dollar rabbit ear antenna set which easily hooked up to my recently purchased flat screen digital tv, and I found that with only that inferior interior antenna I could receive about 60 channels.

The image on my screen is very sharp on all of them, with no broken up mosaic patterns or stuttering sound track that have been so often a large part of my cable viewing experience.

And, by the way, after that initial $14 spent on the antenna, it’s all free……

So, sometime this week I’ll get up on the roof and install the $40.00 antenna that I soon after bought at a local electronics outlet after this test, and then I’ll tell Time Warner what they can do with their $125.00 (+/-) a month system with so many unwatched channels and so few changing movie choices. I guess with a well lit screen it won’t matter if the sun doesn’t shine there.

It’s always been disturbing to me that I’ve been paying for so many channels that I would never watch, i.e. sports, spanish and asian language shows, and most of the rest they feature, on a cable system that could easily offer consumers ala-carte ordering so a customer could fine tune (no pun intended) those tv options to match their preferences.

Hey, let’s keep this our dirty little secret, lest crowds of people across the country find out that they can dump cable and put those Time Warner, Comcast, Dish, Direct, ATT, ETC, ETC bait and switch thieves out on the street.

Avatar Advisory Ahead

Not a spoiler, just a heads up (no pun intended, read on).

At very close to 3 hours, Avatar’s a really long film with a full bladder.

Pee before you leave your home. Like a Nike ad, “Just Do It”!

You won’t find the usual “window of opportunity” slow spot  in the story that leads you to believe you can make a rapid run to the restroom.

Don’t buy a (large or otherwise) soda when you get there.

Try to pee one more time again just before you sit down.

You’ve been warned!!!

My Humble Prediction:

In less than 5 years you’ll be hard pressed to find a major release (I can’t bring myself to call them “movies” anymore, and “videos” seems harsh) at a theater that isn’t released in 3-D.

Assuming I’m not blowing dust farts in five years, you’re welcome to rub my nose in it if I’m wrong, but I wouldn’t bet all you have on it.

Know that Warners, Fox, Universal, Paramount et all sure won’t.

And by the way, go ahead and spring  the extra $3.00 for the 3-D version, it’s the best investment you can make.

Plus, you can do a great Drew Carey impersonation next Halloween.

Twenty-Twelve, 2012, whatever…

I’m still doing a post-viewing rehash in my head, trying to remember when, or even if, in recent years I’ve watched a more enjoyable film than 2012.

District 9 comes to mind, it’s at least as good, but a bit hard to call it better.

Great script. For a change you can watch a complete story well told in the old school mode, having a beginning, a middle, and then (surprise!) an end. Quite unlike so much of the crap around these days.

Great director. Roland Emmerich extracted fine performances all around, and managed to keep a cohesive plot covered (see above) to show it all on screen. I believe that if this wasn’t a Sony release, this time the computer  would have been a nice but slightly used MacBook Pro (updated from the beautiful black 5300 Powerbook Jeff Goldblum used to save the world inIndependence Day), not a steaming pile of VAIO. Ah, but I digress…..

Great acting. John Cusack, in my opinion, can be considered a serious contender to jump past Tom Hanks and become the “everyman” of our time.

He’s become sort of like Henry Fonda in that way.

And by the way, as you may have heard, there are at least a few interesting special effects shots on the screen in this film, and they have been done fairly well.

This is why it’s become my new  ”How the fuck did they do that” count leader.

Paranormal Activity Jumps Out of ‘TheBox’

It seems that I’m sort of paraphrasing myself here, but as much as I ragged on Paranormal Activity a few days ago, I’m sure that they now owe a debt of thanks to the makers of “The Box” for lifting them off the top (or perhaps that should be off the bottom?) of the list of the worst films of the year?

Possible spoiler, as if it’s possible to spoil a piece of shit…..

I remember reading this story line years ago, wherein someone is given a box with a button on it, and by pushing the button they will cause someone that they’ve never met, somewhere far away,  to die.

If you manage to sit through this floater, I’m sure that by the end you’ll be hoping that there’s a box somewhere with your name on it, and someone you’ve never met has lifted that dome cover off, and now their finger is hovering over the button…….

James Marsden + Cameron Diaz = James Cameron?

Even a much younger and less tired looking Cameron Diaz couldn’t have saved this one, what with her “Serious Acting” and all that.

Oh well, how many days was that before “2012″ opens?

Pair-of-Normal Active Stupid People

As much as I raved about “District 9” a post or two ago, I have have no choice but to take a different stance with “Paranormal Activity“, a film that’s shot in such a spastic style that it could even make Lars von Trier get seasick.

The true shocker would have been to have a hidden camera when I saw this in the Star Theater when the lights unexpectedly came up, one that would have captured the horror in the faces of the audience to find out that they paid $10.00 to sit through this train wreck, the latest in a long line of recent films that were unable to come up with an ending. Larry the janitor strikes again, I guess.

The major bragging rights for this overhyped video so far have been that it was produced for only $15,000. After watching it I have to assume that most, if not all of that amount was spent on a good caterer that kept the director and two actors (who also seemed to have been working as the co-directors of photography and / or co-camera operators) very well fed.

Especially one of them, but not that there’s anything wrong with that. And that’s a big “butt”.

It seems that there could have been a makeup or wardrobe person involved, but that person should have been able to phone it in, same for the sound and grip and electric department folks, if they existed.

Again, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Between Heaven and Hell, Michigan

To work on a feature film, my return to Detroit (it used to be called MoTown, now it’s more like NoTown), which is the land of my birth or so it says on my birth certificate, has been a shock in several ways.

1. A very visible culture shift can be seen as I travel around in the area that was Dearborn and now is known to the locals as Dearbornistan. Everywhere I look there are  Arabic signs in the store windows, and so many of the women are wearing a head wrap and long sleeved shirts, with ankle length dresses. It’s a bit like when I worked on a film in Goshen, Indiana where the WalMart had hitching posts for the horse and buggys that the Amish rode to go shopping. Walking through the interior of that store was like being on the set of a western film set in the 1800’s, with extras wearing period wardrobe. But here it’s more like being on the set of “Alienation”, it looks almost normal, but there’s something a bit off kilter. I do have a new description of what’s terrorizing, and that would be a 5′1″ tall 93 pound Palestinian woman driving 3 tons of Ford Expedition with her eyes barely able to see through the steering wheel and over the dashboard to know what’s on the road in front of her. For me, the only thing that could make it more scary would be if there were a few pounds of C-4 bouncing around in the baggage area. This is an interesting idea but  I think I’ll pass on inspecting for that. Especially when said SUV is  parked in the lot of  the “Beirut By Night” (this is the true name) restaurant. There are no IED’s allowed on the premises, or so I hear.

2. The temperature’s also a bit off, at least after living in Los Angeles for a few decades. Oh yeah, that’s off in the colder direction, with indications of more of the less (heat) to come soon.

We’re in the mid-season here, caught between summer and winter in what’s known as the season of road repair, indicated by orange barrels every few feet on the freeway expressway.

1 Fast Angry Driver + 1 Slow Moving Barrel = Orange Road Kill!

The trailer mounted car rig shot we did tonight was not exactly a pleasure cruise, since there had been enough rain today to flood the picture car (missing window glass in a few places) with about a half inch of water sloshing around on the floorboards. There would have been more, but being that this was a true “Detroiter” car with copious amounts of BodyCancerByFisher rust outs that gave the old car the appearance of crying as a flood of  big tears flowed out on each turn.

3. The real worry pressing on many of the local crews minds? “Devil’s Night” is approaching, and according to our “on occasion correct” call sheet advance schedule it seems that we will be working on night exterior shots. I’m sure it’s going to be cold enough that the heat from the burning houses will be welcome to us. But to the newly homeless, perhaps not so much.

4. The drivers!!! For a place so full of people that have no where to go, they sure seem to be in a hella hurry to get there. And the local un-official sport (perhaps replacing Devil’s night?) now seems to be tailgating, wherein they allow a bit over one car space for every 100 miles per hour they drive. Most of the drivers seem to be agressive angry actually hostile to whoever is unlucky enough to be blocking the road in front of them, it’s amazing that there aren’t more traffic pile-ups but I guess they’ve learned to deal with it. I hope that I never do that, except for while I’m driving around here in what seems to be the nation’s leader in unemployment where, to paraphrase an old Ford commercial, “Finding A Job Is Job #1″.

Pandorum Raises Two Questions

These are my questions:

1. Will I ever get back the nearly two hours I wasted watching this dreck?

2. Will I ever get back the $8.50 I spent to see this?

Hmmmmmm,

Sadly, at this time it seems the answers to 1 + 2 above seem to be No, and No.

Perhaps I can find something positive in my mistake if I prevent others from making that same mistake.

Like I’m trying to do here (hint, hint).