Archive for February, 2012
Time allowing, on most days I try to post a joke or two on a very nice comedy site, here are a few of my recent ones that mostly deal with politics, some have been expanded out a bit since I don’t have to keep them short or censored here, or they might even be improved a bit to correct for re-thinking about it, random typos and such done when I posted them at 2 a.m.
Enjoy and comment if you’d like……
In an sad attempt to raise his visibility and chance of winning something, Rick Santorum has doubled the horsepower of his NASCAR branded entry, it’s now being pulled by four horses, and this moves his campaign well into the 19th century.
Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney has welded together two of his wife’s Cadillacs into the “Magic Underwear Brown Streak®” special. This was named for the wardrobe change the last driver needed after trying to keep this left to right and then right to left again position shifting wreck going in one direction.
In an update, Santorum’s car had to deal with a race course requirement that makes it do constant left turns, so in keeping with the rest of his campaign history all of those horses will pull it backwards around the track so the steering wheel will then need to be turned to the right to stay on the oval, which may be as close as Ricky gets to the oval office. My regrets if that last run on sentence made your head explode, let’s just consider it to be a little collateral damage.
According to the Guiness Book of Records, 72 year old Chandra Bahadur Dangi of Nepal is the shortest man in the world. Mr. Dangi comes from, as you might guess, a small town that’s way out in the boonies, and he’s reported to be only 21.5 inches in height. He has never married because as he says, “I’ve yet to meet a woman that I could be nuts over”, and he went on to say “even though I might be lacking in some areas, I really could satisfy a woman if I was only given the chance to go up on her”.
Newt Gingrich has promised America $2.50 a gallon gas if he’s elected president, leading some to speculate that he plans that this fuel will come from his desire to
exploit explore the moon. Today, President Obama responded “Newt, the cheap gas you promise isn’t likely to be coming from the moon in the future, but it seems that there’s a lot of cheap gas coming our way from Uranus lately.”
In a recent candidate debate, the white males on the republican stage were asked to describe themselves in one word. I wanted to help him out, so after a lot of thought I finally came up with the perfect description for Rick Santorum, a one word title that fits him like a glove. This afternoon I got a sort of harsh call from the American Association of Proctologists in which I was asked to stop using that title for two reasons, mentioning the glove image was one of them.
Pinal County Arizona Sheriff Paul Babau who was running for Congress as a Republican, has resigned his position with Mitt Romney’s Arizona election campaign, he did this on the same day he came out publicly as a gay man. A Los Angeles Times report said that he had been “stumping” for Romney, but the paper declined to confirm if that might be a euphemism for some sort of a sex act. For the record, Sheriff Babau has two arms, two legs, and presumably a gun.
A nationwide telephone poll to find who America thinks is the most smug bastard in America ended when it was won by Rick “Frothy” Santorum, who beat Eric “Schmendrek” Cantor (R-VA-7th District) after Cantor had spent a record breaking 36 months at the top. As was expected, Mr. Cantor immediately blamed President Obama for his loss, and as usual was unable to name a reason that anyone with more than a 4th grade education would believe.
The Vatican reported today that 22 members of the Roman Catholic clergy were upgraded to the rank of Cardinal by Pope Benedict XVI. In a related story, 22 altar boys were upgraded to the rank of acolyte when they bent over in the shower to pick up a bar of pope on a rope soap.
A group of closeted gay right wing politicians who are known as Log Cabin Republicans have created a new division in the military for their large members. They will be lead by a guy who, judging by his name, was born for the job, the former House majority leader from Texas, Dick Armey. For the past week, Mr. Armey has been trying to make those who used to work under him comfortable while they are sitting on his staff.
After some members of the Mormon Church Baptized the long deceased parents of Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal, some Jewish leaders who feel turnabout is fair play plan to exhume the body of the Mormon founder Joseph Smith and do a retroactive circumcision.
Florence Green, the last surviving veteran of WWI has died, she was a member of Great Britain’s RAF and had lived to be 111. The U.N. now says that England has won the title of official winner of the 1st World War, citing “The Last Man Standing” rule, even though Florence didn’t technically qualify as a man.
60′s T.V. actress, ballet choreographer, and animal activist Zina Bethune was killed when she was hit by two cars while trying to check on what she thought was an injured possum in the middle of the road. Apparently, the animal not only was a possum, but was playing possum as well, this time sadly not on T.V.
Outside of the no-host bar at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Ron Paul bet Mitt Romney $5,000.00 that he’s the 2nd coming of Christ, Mitt takes the bet. As they walk into the special section of the bar reserved for candidates, the bartender looks up, sees Ron Paul and says, “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe that you’re still here!”. Mitt gives Ron an IOU and asks him to hold it until after the election.
Three politicians in New Delhi, India were forced to resign after they were caught watching porn on their cel phones during a session of their state parliament. This sets a legal precedent which says that it’s still o.k. for them to have their hands in other peoples pockets as is the norm for politicians, but they shouldn’t be caught with their hands in their own pockets unless it’s very, very cold.
A majority of the people who were asked if they agreed with the birth control position of the Vatican said that they would go along with any decision on these issues if they were to come from someone wearing a dress, but only if that person didn’t have a penis. Most who completed the survey also said “If you don’t play the game, you don’t get to make the rules”.
Rick Santorum’s current version of “never say die” republicanism indicates a need for a new party emblem. It’s time to change the logo from an elephant to a brontosaurus, since this is a much better example of how something that’s huge can die at noon, but the message doesn’t get to the tiny brain until 9 a.m. the following morning.
Mattel has released a series of political candidate dolls, including one of Mitt Romney. This guy is not your basic standard candidate, so this the doll for this one comes with “Magic Underwear”®. The good news is that you can purchase as many additional mates for it as you can afford.
Callista Gingrich is now in protective custody for what’s being called a 48 hour mental health observation period. This began after she sneezed, jumped out of bed and ran down the street in her pajamas screaming “I’m o.k., I’m o.k., I’m o.k., I’m o.k., I’m o.k., I’m o.k., ……”. First reports indicate that she was reading a tabloid publication in bed that described what Newt did with both of his previous wives when they got sick.
The S.E. Massengill Corporation of Bristol, Tennessee made a large donation to the campaign of Newt Gingrich. The spokesperson said it’s not so much because he’s the image that comes to a persons mind when they hear the term “Douche-bag”, but rather because he’s had more “Hands-On” experience than any other candidate with the female organs of many women that they sell products for. In a related story, the non-teaparty part of the Republican party are said to consider Mr. Gingrich to be more of a disposable douche, used when needed and then tossed out when done.
Soon after they found out that the Mormon Church had Baptized the parents of Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal in a proxy ceremony held in Utah last January by a few members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Jewish leaders decided that some kind of turnabout would be (at the very least) fair play.
Plans are said to be in the works to exhume the remains of Joseph Smith and all other deceased high ranking male Mormon leaders, and perform retroactive circumcisions on their corpses. The idea for having retroactive Bar-Mitzvahs for them was mulled over for a while, but they thought the ancient “a little off the top please” ritual would have a closer parity with the post death unwelcome Baptizing procedure. There was some debate about the merits of not having to buy a gift versus not having a buffet table. In the end, it was unanimous to seek parity by doing a snip for snip, if you will…..
In a related development, American Jewish leaders continue to deny that research is underway to perfect a condom-like slip on replacement foreskin (likely to be called a “Bris-Away” ©2012). This is a device meant to be used for chameleon styled protection in the event of a national ethnic disaster, such as if either Rick Santorum or Mitt Romney were somehow to be elected the next president of the United States. So far none of the republican presidential candidates, including for one reason or another non-vote getting Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, have adopted the WWII slogan “Arbeit Macht Frei” for their campaign to undo ObamaCare or any other issues, please stay tuned for updates.
N.B., The ownership of any and all photos, opinions, and/ or quotes above (including those of my own) belong to the material’s creator(s). Credit is given when it’s known, but as everyone knows, success usually has a million parents and failure is an orphan.
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P.S., check back for occasional updates and rewrites….
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Much has been said about the eternal, or so it seems, republican presidential aspirant Mitt Romney’s father having been born in Mexico, thus making Mitt the son of an immigrant (perhaps a legal one) from Mexico.
I’ve read that Mitt’s grandfather left the U.S. and moved his family to Mexico to avoid anti-polygamy laws that would have limited how many wives he could have. In this post, I’m referring to how many wives he could have at one time, not in constant replacement when they became ill, like Mr. Romney’s nemesis, Mr. Newt Gingrich.
This leaves one large (large as in “The Elephant on the debate stage) question that as far as I’ve been able to find no one has asked of Mr. Romney. It’s a simple question, and here it is:
“Mitt, exactly how many grandmothers (MeeMaws, MamMahs, Abuelas, Bubbies, whatever) did you send Christmas cards to when you were a kid?”. Were any of those cards in Spanish?
I’m stumped as to why Mr. Gingrich didn’t bring this up during those debates, but I’m somewhat sure it wasn’t because Mr. Gingrich is too polite to ask it, ipsa loquitur and all that.
Feel free to jump on in if you have an idea on this you’d like to leave in the comment section?
More to be added soon, stay tuned…….