The truthiness of Chuck Lorre vanity card # 326

The paragraph at the bottom of this posting was written by the producer of (among other t.v. shows) “The Big Bang Theory” and “Two And A Half Men”, Mr. Chuck Lorre.  It can be found on the web site where the vanity cards which are briefly (+/- a second or so) seen at the end of each of his shows are stored, and can be viewed by clicking on this link:

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It seems that Mr. Lorre, in spite of being as brilliant as a guy can be, never heard of the “Voice Stress Analysis”  device, or VSA as it was referred to. This was a system that produced, more or less, the same results as the brain scan technology he mentions, but without a need for close proximity to the one being tested for what Steven Colbert often calls “Truthiness”.

image copyright owned by its creator

It only took an audio recording or a little real time audio monitoring of a persons voice stating something as the truth, and it worked by testing for variations in the vibrations or the frequencies in those spoken words, comparing the subtle micro changes in that sample from those produced by the same subject previously having said something that was obvious or known to be true, such as the date, the day of the week, the color of a car, whatever.

If you’ve ever heard the old stories about the patents for a miraculous device that would enable a car to run on water being bought up and buried by the oil industry, as crazy as those stories might have been, it should give you a leap off point as to why, except for an occasional reference in sci-fi films or in a C.I.A. or N.S.A. environment in a procedural sort of t.v. show, the original machine simply vanished from the face of the earth. Can you even imagine the result of printed out VSA test of of a speech by Michele Bachmann or Eric Cantor?  No more spoken opinions would be heard from any politician, only print outs. A bit of research shows that low cost commercially produced variants of the VSA, perhaps with questionable results, are being made and reaching the market, google this and maybe the truth will set you free.

image copyright owned by its creator

The list of usual suspects from governmental agencies to those in the legal profession (I know, more or less the same beast) who could not survive without the ability to lie aloud to the public is endless.

Hey it’s not like I would lie to you. Well, certainly not where it could be recorded.

Here’s the original Chuck Lorre quote mentioned at the top of the post:

“In the near future, we will see brain scan technology that can determine, without fail, if someone is telling the truth. Shortly thereafter, we will be able to buy mobile devices that perform the same task on the fly. In other words, we are on the verge of having all of our conversations constantly and instantly monitored for veracity. This would then spawn a counter-technology comprised of personal mind shields that keep oneself from being scanned (the use of which would, of course, imply that one is keeping secrets). The end result? Universal honesty, initially as a result of the duress of surveillance, will become the norm. Then, over time, this mode of thinking, communicating and behaving will become second nature. This will usher in the dawn of a new civilization. After thousands of years of human suffering, world peace and the long-fabled ‘good will towards all men’ will have finally arrived. The end of lying and cheating will also mark the end of scripted entertainment. So, you know, there’ll be a downside.”

You just can’t outrun stupid

That title line is not a reference to Sarah Palin or any of the other idiots now jockeying for a position on the presidential ticket. I turned on the news at 10pm Saturday night expecting to see if any of the dreaded / expected traffic jams on the other L.A. area freeways were happening because of the 405 freeway closure.

And on the right….. Hey, wait a minute!

Instead, I was surprised to see a “Breaking News” banner saying a high speed chase was going on in and around downtown L.A. This is the kind of programming that our local stations love to run since there’s no cost for them other than fuel for their helicopter, and a huge t.v. audience always finds it and is glued to the tube for the duration. And about duration, it’s nearing three hours so far in this case but it’s not long enough for the driver to get away, much less take a leak. In all the chases I’ve seen, and it seems that there’s at least one a week, no matter how fast the car is it can’t outrun a radio. The helicopter locks in and the driver never gets away. And you can spell that N.E.V.E.R…..

Air coverage from KCAL Channel 9 on my t.v.

You’d think that after enough of these events go down these idiots would get the message that once the helicopter arrives it’s game over and time to pull over, slowly get out of the car with your hands behind your head, and just lay down and be quiet before the dogs are set loose on you.

O.K., 45 minutes later and still watching, as if I have a choice? In tonight’s episode, the driver has been said to be a guy with three felony strikes on his rap sheet, one who has declared on his cel phone that he will not surrender because it means a likely life sentence of being the husband or wife in prison for him for kidnapping. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it seems that he has a hostage with him.  Well, alas and alack, no on screen ending tonight, happy or otherwise, because the pursuit has exceeded the helicopter’s broadcast range as the chase goes on speeding North on the 5 freeway towards Bakersfield. However, 5 minutes after it went off the air there was a report that a spike strip across the freeway has brought the chase to an off camera ending, ho hum. At least I now have a new favorite quote from a news reader that I heard during this chase: “It gets so dark up here that it’s unsafe to fly, especially at night”. Perhaps George W. Bush has found a new occupation?

Now where did I put that 10 foot pole?

A disclaimer:  First of all, note that this is not the previously predicted continuation of my last post. I suppose that means that I have once again made yet another broken promise for America to deal with. Secondly, this should be considered to be a guy-centric posting and NSFW (but only if you work with people that know how to read). Yes, the writer’s block that has dragged on for far too long is finally over and I’m back. Rest assured that part deux of “the lead off” will appear soon. Unless I’m lying again….

Now on to something completely different

In answer to a friend’s recent question, “If I had to, could I do Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann?”. My answer also could be expressed in this update of an old joke:

“Question: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and the leading female republican candidates for president?”

“Answer: If I had to, I could eat a bowling ball.”

Anyway,  with regards to my friend’s question, I’d call it a  No/Yes decision.

First, I would have to say no to Sarah, she’s much like a human, but not close enough for me, my previous requirements of a pulse and a body temperature above ambient now stand revised. The mere thought of bending her over her sno-mobile, Husky sled dog style, and making her call me “Todd” while I think of Gilda Radner as Lisa Loobner and pull her hair launches my gag reflex. In fact, I just threw up in my mouth while typing this.

Blow me, a kiss?

On the other hand, I’d give a solid yes to Michelle, although it would also have to be doggy style with the addition of  several layers of duct tape covering her mouth. This is based on something that I’ve found to be consistently true, the far beyond a loon batshit crazy ones (thanks Jennifer and JoAnne) will present you with the wildest ride and best sex. Also, one would have to factor in that wide and accommodating mouth of hers, compare it to Sarah’s tight little…. Ah, but I digress once again.

Well Goosed, it seems

To avoid confusion, I’m easily able to separate the delusional bitter psychotic Ms. Palin from the delusional bitter and just plain nuts Ms. Bachmann by using this simple but to the point criteria: Would I feel safe falling asleep with either one of them? Uh, the answer is no, it’s just that with Sarah mere ropes or chains around her hands and feet would not be enough, she would have to be locked safely away ala Han Solo, encased in Carbonite.